Seven Mars Before You

Chapter #1 : Two Asymmetrical Dimples

I remembered the first time I have witnessed the sweetest smile on earth…

I was a taciturn seven year old girl who was a newcomer in the area. Unfamiliar faces highly aggravated the overwhelming jitters of going to the first day of school.

The teacher instructed us to line up before heading toward the classroom, then divided us into two rows according to gender. As I was nervously joining myself into the girls’ row, these eye lenses of mine captured a sight of you. Your countenance sparkled with gaiety as you were chatting with three other fellows surrounding you. They were laughing at your jokes. Two dimples appeared upon each side of your cheeks as you put a wide grin toward them. I was curious to know more, and if it was not for our teacher approaching your current position demanding you to be silent and stay in line because we were about to enter the classroom obediently, I supposed you would still continue triggering plenty other jokes for at least another half an hour.

***

We were classmates for five years straight and I irresistibly developed a puppy love for no one else but you throughout those half decade. Ironically, we were never really close as I spent most of my time with my girls. My interaction with you was rather scarce, since I presumed that you did not really have the intention to talk with the opposite sex anyway. Boys seemingly tended to be a bit shy to us girls back then.

In fact, one time, our English teacher implemented this whole new seating arrangement where boys had to sit next to girls in order to keep us quiet and focus while doing our tasks in fourth grade. As if things could not get any more amusing, our seats happened to be precisely located next to each other.

“Did you answer A or C for number 17?” you asked with a low voice.

“Um… A. What about number 9? It’s D, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yeah I think so. I’m not so sure though,” you whispered.

Our conversation did not involve anything else aside from the answer of each number. It was rather a slight dialogue that did not last long either, for the teacher has started to notice us. Nonetheless it was my first time experiencing such heart-thumping-and-butterflies-taking-over situation.

***

Despite our not-so-intimate friendship, it was obvious that you were exceptionally a very likeable being. You got loads of friend and teachers who loved you. You could be on top of the class if it was not for your lazy-ass attitude that prevented you from it. Over the course of five years, you were the irreplaceable prince I adored silently from afar.

After our primary school graduation, we went to separate schools and I never really saw you anymore. However, a few months later, a wildly spreading news came over to my ears that you just got yourself your first girlfriend in middle school. I looked her up on Facebook and thought of how pretty she was.

For the first time in my life, I could sense my heart cracking.

— fin

Chapter #2 : Le Petite Box

For a mere thirteen year old unstable juvenile who was currently in pursuit of her true identity, year 2009 was composed of major amendment and huge leaps of adaptation. Therefore it was just understandable that I hardly yielded any prudent decision by then. Amongst the plentiful mistakes manifested, you were the one I wish I could revoke the most.

***

Apparently the four years age gap did not complicate any matter. You were in your senior year and would soon be heading for college the following year, whereas I was nobody but a silly and carefree eighth grader. You were hitting on me very subtly that I did not recognise any hint you constantly cultivated for six months straight. We did not communicate frequently, but it always felt impeccable once we were in a conversation. In spite of the various chocolate and candy gum, your genuine thoughtfulness was the one that sent my heart off to subconsciously fall.

As the year was approaching its finale, you took a bold step to confess your heart out eye to eye in front of me during a plain late afternoon on December. I just finished my extra class when a text notification containing an invitation from you to meet up nearby the school field popped up in my phone. Finding you was not troublesome since most students already went home anyway. I initially assumed that your intention was solely to hang out and spend your favourite candy gum with me. But as the usual baby face smirks of yours welcomed me, your nearly-six-feet-tall figure suddenly stiffened up while gathering confidence to convey the alluring proposition out of your lips.

“Um, I guess you would have known this by now. So… I like you. I’ve been kinda having this crush on you since the first time you got here.”

A surge of butterflies were instantly swarming over me like nothing I have experienced in my previous life. I was paralysed under your enchantment.

“It’s okay, you can take your time. You don’t need to respond now,” you added.

My mouth still felt bitter and rigid that it automatically mute.

Being aware of the situation, you handed me these two gift-wrapped boxes instead while elaborating that should the feeling be mutual, I ought to open the petite one, and if it turned out to be contradictory, the larger box would be mine.

***

Less than forty eight hours was required for me to be on the verge of declaring every string of affection I have secretly buried over the past few months. If only this girl who evidently knew you for a longer period of time did not introduce any hideous presumption about you toward me, we would have been already preoccupied with abundance of joy and love combined.

“Haven’t you heard? He was quite the womaniser, you know. Once he’s into someone, he’ll do anything to get her. But it doesn’t need long for him to dump her and find a new replacement. It’s actually the chasing he’s after,” she explained.

Her prejudice regarding your appalling reputation with your ex in the past effortlessly provoked hesitation within me. My immature judgement has effectively clouded the foolish me from questioning her objection and the reliability of her information that I did not even render any incredulous reaction.

By the next evening, I decided to call your number and gave you my answer. I did not have the heart to take another rain check which only aggravated your misery.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t share the same feeling as you do,” I muttered sadly.

***

It was not until several months later that I realised trusting her was merely a preposterous act that brought nothing good in return but the ultimate heartache. As I was still left out with waves of contrition which never seemed to fade, it was suddenly time for you to finally graduate and take off for college. I did kept the large box that turned out to contain a beautiful necklace with a turtle embellishment on it, yet I lost the chance of taking back my words that forever kept you at bay.

— fin

Chapter #3 : Tempest

We were just kids in love.

That phrase perfectly summed up the entire three years of high school romance constructed by continuous loop of rainbow and thunderstorm. You were my everyday sun and I was tremendously in love with you. We were two limitless youngsters occupied with boisterous spirit who did awful lots of crazy shits together. You were my centre of joy. I could almost sense as if the entire galaxy revolved around us. We invented our own force of gravity. We were infinite.

During twenty eight months of relationship, I perceived myself on the ride of a happy merry go-round. People wished to have what we had, the remarkable felicity full of beams. The fact that we honestly did not have that much in common — e.g. I was super keen on movies, novels, and especially music, while you did not even give the slightest damn about it — did not deplete the resulting amount of bliss. You were this karate athlete with bright intelligence and attractive appearance who was accustomed to throw unconventional and peculiar jokes out of the blue. The typical adolescent dream guy who was undeniably fun to be with. You even grew yourself a few admirers for god sake. I could only thought of how darn lucky I was.

Till I realised that it was merely a disguise.

***

I was actually riding the ferris wheel of misery, arranged by the oh-so-sincere apologies, the countless promises, and the perpetual forgiveness. I could still recall all their names perfectly, for as much as I loathed every name, they were somehow carved in the back of my mind. The made up gifts and ‘I love yous’ were nothing but alibis for the secretive sneak out and multiple venomous lies. You acknowledged your potential and successfully utilised it to obtain a more adventurous youth in a world of venus. You considered love as a fine thing to play around and feelings were nothing more than a temporary mundane trait. You reckoned you could easily walk in and out of people’s lives as if they were coffee shops.

In spite of how tangled and fucked up everything was, somehow we always managed to discover our way back nonetheless, creating the illusion that perhaps we were meant to be after all.

***

It was summer back in 2014, that I finally dared to escape the tempest. As you were threading a brand new love story with another name out there, this heart of mine was turned into havoc and the shattered pieces were lost. I was transformed into a sleepless mind craving for affection rejecting solitude, yet could only receive numbness in return. As a matter of fact, no one has ever cracked me open and left me in such extreme vulnerability as you did. You were the first to ignite every flame in my life, that it eventually burned everything down inflicting immense pain by the end of the day.

If only I never surrendered my soul for you to wreck, my heart would have still been intact.

— fin

Chapter #4 : Hummingbird and Raindrops

(Events below occurred in parallel with ‘Tempest’ timeline)

You noticed the pain encaging me and did not stay idle. Even though we were hardly acquainted, your prominent desire to rescue me from the chaos led you to reach me through Skype that night. Several facts that were immediately disclosed after that 24 minutes conversation: a) You were a sophomore (possibly aiming for freshman girls.) b) Practically a good looking guy. c) Seemed to be looking for romance (or, a mere fun fling?) d) Probably reckoned I was a good catch (particularly referring to the current state of my crumbling relationship — god knows how long you have been eyeing on me.) e) Somehow talented in putting my wound at ease. f) Possessed a terrific taste in music.

“If it hurts this much, then it must be love. And it’s a lottery, I can’t wait to draw your name.” You Me At Six // Always Attract

“When we’re this young we have nothing to lose. We just the clock to beat and a hand to choose.” The Cab // Vegas Skies

“Maybe someday we will find a way to disappear. Just me and you on silver lining dreams.” Daphne Loves Derbie // Simple Starving To Be Safe

“And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean. And she’d say, yeah well, I feel pretty happy too. And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you.” Noah and The Whale // 5 Years Time

“Oh, your heart may long for love that is more new. So when I’m gone, these words will be here to ease every fear and dry up every tear.” Hellogoodbye // Oh It Is Love

Trivialities can sometimes be so endearing. For someone who started establishing her own mixtape since six, finding a person who shared an identical musical interest equals winning a damn lottery. You hit me perfectly well by your playlist that those lyrics were permanently stamped somewhere inside my hippocampus. Throughout fifteen years of life, I have never been connected with someone through music until I came across you.

We were Nick and Norah digging up infinite playlists.

***

There was no denying that fate always preferred to work hilariously. You emerged in my life a little too late that I have settled on this other douchebag instead. Picturing a whole alternate universe was becoming unavoidable ever since. What if we crossed path two months earlier and your arms were the one embracing me at the moment? We probably would have exchanged unlimited affection through hundreds of playlist and I would not have wept as much for you would have treated me in the manner of decency away from hurt.

Despite the agonising reality, the essence of your presence remained sensible. You did not badger me 24/7 since you have already grasped the concept of the boyfriend situation and chose to respect that. However, you were always there cherishing me in times of despair by setting a bundle of beautiful playlist — which I still genuinely listen to up to this very day. Consoling me from songs to songs was naturally designed to be your expertise.

***

Nevertheless, after a lengthy consideration over weeks of mixtapes and dialogues, this sort of comprehension eventually came to surface. Regardless of how hard I tried to resist against this heart, it has always profoundly belonged to someone else. The fact that I could never fully replicate your act of fondness and return the entire virtue ceased to this specific song by Switchfoot being delivered upon hoping that it might serve as a remedy toward your bruised heart.

“I’m learning to breathe. I’m learning to crawl. I’m finding that you and you alone can break my fall. I’m living again, awake and alive. I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies.” Switchfoot // Learning To Breathe

Besides, taking you for granted was never a part of my itinerary.

— fin

Chapter #5 : The Tylenol

(This chapter was the continuance of ‘Tempest’)

Transition phase was excruciating. I was entrapped in this devastating major breakdown for weeks. My mind always seemed to wander off in its own reflection, as if refusing the wretched truth that certain things could never be undone. Zero appetite of life was the proper phrase to describe my current state. Surrounding families and friends have started to grow anxious for the zombie-like behaviour. But then, you came along. Of all people, you were the one selected by the universe to conjure vulnera sanentur incantation. God hand-picked you to heal my injuries and I have never felt more grateful.

I would not have survived the tempest, if it was not for your appearance.

***

We did went to the same high school for three years, yet we were nothing more than strangers with no existential conversation beforehand. Aside from the fact that you were a popular guy with numerous friends who loyally dated this one girl throughout high school, the amount of other sort of information I knew regarding your presence was minuscule.

When I first received your message, I was just returning home from seeing Secondhand Serenade gigs with a bunch of friends. They insisted me to accept their invitation so that I could quit the miserable dwelling for a while. They were right though, the clamorous festivities successfully distracted my desolation. However, as soon as I entered my bedroom, the diversion was abruptly vanished and I fell back into the regular vortex of grief. But, there was something about that night which made it contrast, for a simple text from you has marked the beginning of a new chapter.

I supposed the universe always had a way of assembling everything to align smoothly. We texted every minute possible ever since, for our conversation has always felt utterly pleasurable. Neither of us was willing to say good night. You even made smiling no more exhausting to achieve, both in sickness and in health — and this was no gibberish talk. Seven days after you showed up in my life, I fell sick and the doctor urged me to be treated in the hospital for several days. Fever and nausea have defeated me that I barely stuffed any nutrition through oral. Nevertheless, you persistently stayed by my side, as you patiently attempted to feed the reluctant me. Instead of feeling fretful, you kept handling me tenderly with cheer. You were the ultimate tylenol throughout my recovery that the memory of my obnoxious past slowly started to withdraw.

Evidently, I was not the only one hurting and seeking for cure.

***

The truth concerning your recent parting with your dearly beloved three year lover was later unfolded somehow, which accounted the premise of why you tried to climb up my wall. We were solely two lost birds with a broken wing that simply helped each other to keep on flying. You sought for healing as well. For forty five days, I was made convinced that you were more than adequate to fix me. But, how could one mend something when he was not even whole?

Often times you assured me that it was not a bad thing to fall for you. Unfortunately, love was the least thing I could afford at the moment. As I came to fathom that relying on someone else to fix the fragment might even lead to even worse fracture, the urge to fix myself first before risking another fall has developed to be my primary concern. Seeking composure from the peaceful lonesomeness might be the key to recuperate after all. So here came the day when I finally thanked and suggested you to apply that theory, for I did not wish to be your excuse of not mending your own shattered pieces.

Please forgive me for not staying. But people gotta mend before they love.

— fin

Chapter #6 : Moscow

Mid 2009…

I was sitting in a room crowded with around twenty middle schooler whose hearts must be palpitating rapidly, for the judges would ring the bell anytime soon as an official symbol that the competition had been started. I could feel my nape started to heat up and perspire excessively. As I was trying to maintain my focus retrieving memories that conceived every physics formula my tutor has repetitively emphasised throughout months of preparation for this prestigious science competition, a cute guy with a dashing uniform representing his school was sitting by the corner looking superbly calm and collected while nonchalantly fooling around with his pencil as if it was just like any other regular day in his classroom and he was waiting for the teacher to arrive.

But as John Green once said, the world was not a wish-granting factory, for it did not approve us to get acquainted in the time being. Although the entire participants underwent a full list of delightful and exciting activities together afterwards in order to strengthen the bond and cultivate friendship amid the thick competitive vibes, somehow I did not gain the knowledge of who your name was.

***

Late 2014…

An unknown twitter username slid a message through my DM. As if fate could have not behaved any more ludicrous and unpredictable, as I clicked the profile picture, it displayed this familiar face I recognised from that event over the previous five years.

If we were ladies and gentlemen living under the 19th century atmosphere, these circumstances sounded to be likely unimaginable. How could a simple encounter by the internet shift into a chapter of remarkable fling? Fortunately, this digital era in the present allows us to make the unforeseeable visible, e.g. two strangers residing in two separate continents are capable to fall into each other’s arms merely by the reach of social media. In spite of the immensely abstract concept, people did successfully discover love through their smart phones. Hence, the term modern love took its winning step. Because finding a true love kiss nowadays does not require as much hard work, people start treating love as if it was disposable. Inevitably, they transform this wonderful concept of romance into an easy piece of casual dating where the guessing game is far more exhilarating and overwhelming than the affection shared between two beings.

For the longest time, I held on to this contrary belief that something as priceless like love did not deserve to be condescended by such monster of modernisation. Why would humans belittle such beautiful blessings into futility? To make matter worse, they did not even discern it necessary to seek any justification for any of the horror above. This common treatment inescapably settled to be habitual.

***

Early 2015…

In spite of having as little amount of feeling involved, none of us were restrained from flourishing the fun. We were content with how casual everything was that we did not even feel obligated to label anything hastily. In fact, the existence of hundreds of miles distance laying between us — which consequently inhibited us to physically meet so frequent — did not arise as an obstacle, since texting or phone call always suited us just fine anyway. Two months have passed since his first DMs and we have not stumbled upon any pebbles along the way yet. No chapter has ever felt easier than this, even at the finish line.

Never have I ever fancied the concept of modern love, until I hypocritically served one.

— fin

Chapter #7 : Guy Number 7

I was walking down the hallway of the hospital when I caught a glimpse of your presence. You automatically turned your head elsewhere away from encountering my eyes as I simultaneously fixated my view upfront avoiding yours. This pattern has evolved to be the custom I am finally used to. And it is okay.

***

Rewinding timeline into 2 years prior…

Having come from two poles apart, I struggled to attain another common ground. You were this incredible brainiac with outstanding ability who devoted the majority of your time for medical and research stuffs that you had zero comprehension about the coolest Vampire Weekend album or how beautiful the lyrics of Northern Downpour was. Our bond was indeed solely shaped by one particular thing in common. Being a medical student turned out to be rather sufficient to adhere your presence toward me. After all, I could never connect these stuffs with my boyfriend who was an engineering student back then, couldn’t I? Regardless of our two distinct origins, I figured you were still an angel addressed by god to assist me survive the myriad hurricane in medical school.

Being with you somehow made me feel secured and inevitably shifted into this condemned behaviour I have slowly grown accustomed. I should have paid more attention to any hint of warning my best friends have surreptitiously scrutinised. You did not offer generous amount of help modestly for the motive of pure merit. Your clever observation towards this despicable disease I was suffering called insecurity became your golden ticket to unlock the gate. The abundant hours we have spent over late night studying was actually a camouflage of you claiming the prize. Ditching my own boyfriend for the sake of absorbing as many knowledge that your intelligent brain possessed even became a regular act.

In spite of the sparse similarities, your cunning mind never collided into a cul-de-sac for you always had a way of perpetuating our everyday dialogue. Your favourite playmaker was that topic involving your five year girlfriend, primarily about how sickening she treated you recently which led to your current desire to eliminate her from your life. Since I felt indebted to you for having rekindled some light in my academic life, I was always all ears to every anguish you have been enduring for a while. If your final purpose was to reap a handful amount of my sympathy and endearment, then you have managed to harvest some.

We were inseparable since then.

***

You texted me almost twenty four hours per day, with the exception of those durations accounted for your dating night, and I constantly found an excuse to reply so. Delivering McDonald cheese burger and fries at midnight approximately seven hours prior to midterm or final exam was a routine you eagerly accomplished to protect me from acute starvation, hence, I could carry on studying without trouble. You learned about my enormous love for literature that you occasionally conveyed a number of poetry which implied your foolish hope to meddle with time and how you wished the reality would have reversed in your favour if only you had conquered my heart first preceding him.

As our relationship blossomed more intimately, several furtive attempt to go out for a simple dinner around the suburb neighbourhood occurred. We intended to steer clear from coincidentally running into either of our original lovers, who in fact happened to concomitantly settle in the downtown area due to the locations of their universities which were sixteen miles away from our current places. In order to perform our objectives, fabricated excuses were relentlessly launched.

For two years in a row, I remained in these two parallel worlds.

Nonetheless, my boyfriend did not easily abide from the start for he has actually sniffed something reek since your first approach. As a consequence, my relationship has been dominated with perpetual quarrel throughout the years which eventually drained both parties. His hunch was proven valid though, as the proverb ‘there is no such thing as free lunch’ — which perfectly described your original intention since the first moment you offered me help — has taken its toll. There was no deliberate intention for this affair to occur. I was entangled under this blanket of denial for long which culminated in a wide range of disarray.

***

On April 2018, like a patient who successfully underwent an operation and just regained her consciousness from the sedative anaesthesia, I finally regained my common sense back. After inadvertently hurting multiple hearts for a couple of years, I figured it necessary to close the curtain for this malicious act of misconduct. A heart should never be corrupted by such inability to opt. Besides, isn’t life a daring voyage full of choices?

Thereby, one Saturday morning, I decided to express my long selected option while you were leaning back on the driver seat as the strenuous traffic was occupying your mind. I failed to conceal myself from apprehensions for I could guarantee that another heart must be immediately injured in mere seconds after the declaration. I braced myself up and subsequently made my way of saying that the fondness I grew for you over the years did not vanquish the love I had for him. Putting a stop to this double life I was carrying was fundamental before I lost everything I truly cared about.

The radio was not turned on and the car still has not moved an inch forward. We were enveloped by nothing but silence, until your mouth started voicing out your feelings in return.

“I did not plan for this feeling to take place, it just did.”

The upcoming risks you certainly recognised from the beginning did not diminish your determination to prevail my affection. Even though the likelihood of the unavailing outcome was high, you chose to take your chances anyway. To conclude the previous arguments, the ultimate three sacred words were then uttered from your lips.

“I’m sorry but it has always been him,” I replied wistfully.

***

I wish I could say that this chapter was sealed with a smooth finish, that every wrong-doer involved in the story acknowledged their brutal mistakes to the aggrieved ones and forgiveness could serve as a conclusion, then we strived for a new platonic friendship. How naive I was to believe that such arrangement could come true.

I pled guilty for being outrageously selfish and sincerely intended to make amends with my boyfriend thereafter. I came over to your girlfriend asking for apologies and was ready to swallow every abusive remark she created to discredit me. Unfortunately, your exceedingly high self-regard discouraged you from acting like a true gentleman who had the audacity to admit his malignant past. You twisted numerous facts into your own version of storytelling. Instead of surrendering oneself for this detestable act in front of my boyfriend, you certified that the idea of being attracted to me was totally nonsensical. Another truth was also exposed that you were nothing more than a two-faced bastard. You spoke ill of me towards your girlfriend and vice versa. The veracity of whether your relationship was truly suffocated by woe or it was just another falsification of information that you fictionally invented to get to me, was even unverified.

I was so taken aback by the recent facts I received that I did not even notice how my eyes were frequently soaked by tears. No matter how insignificant your portion in my heart was, two years were not a brief period of time. Instead, it was even long enough to carve a wound upon this heart, particularly after confirming that the person I have put my faith on as my saviour throughout the past couple of years was nobody but a slick deceiver who perceived life and the people in it as this adjustable game he could arbitrarily calibrate for the sake of his own advantage.

Heartache did have the ability to transform a kind heart into a monster. A series of revenge taking form in undignified measures were then tossed back and forth that it inflicted even more suffering to the pair of us. My soul was burned out. I was done fighting this war. Thus, I decided to channel my heartfelt emotion through an email composed of considerable amount of thank you and a lot more of sorry. Genuine good wishes for both you and your girlfriend was also tucked inside. The email was sent afterwards in the hope that it could step in as a decent closure to our chapter and prevent any adversary role further.

Anyhow, it seemed like I set my expectation a bit too high. Two weeks later, a rancorous letter arrived in my inbox. Every word written was like a sword slashing through my heart. I was in so much pain that my tears did not even stream. This was undeniably the most atrocious message someone on earth has ever aimed at me. The guy who used to ask how I was doing every day and night was now capable to assemble these abhorrent phrases into something extremely agonising.

***

It has been a year and a half since I received your last email which I left ignored. I could never have the strength to reply to each dreadful word. None of us has spoken to one another ever since. We are now strangers with a rich past that forever ties. I am learning to accept that a few things in life are not meant to have a proper closure. Some things just end the way they are. And sometimes, you just need to live with it.

— fin

Chapter #8 : You

(Warning: This is not a mediocre love story, nor the dazzling love at first sight. This is a story about two souls growing together and getting intertwined by the wondrous affinity beyond singular lifetime)

Year: 2009–2011

Back when I was thirteen, I came across this ordinary guy upon my first arrival in middle school. There was not much to observe except for his obviously tanned skin tone along with his figure that was in fact quite plumpish, as it would be impossible to miss the sight of his protruding flabby belly creating these stretches among the buttons of his white shirt uniform. His cheeks were not chubby nonetheless, as this sharp jawline framed his face instead. However, it was obvious to notice how his sebaceous glands have been overproducing the sebum, since nearly half of his forehead was occupied by these colonies of pimples. In brief, he certainly did not suit the definition of a physically appealing look.

But what is physical attraction compared to a beautiful persona? Two years as classmates were all it required to unfold these layers of gold lying underneath. Spending infinite amount of time talking nonsense, debating over the most wicked 30 Seconds To Mars song, trying to rap out of Nick Jonas’ Introducing Me, pretending to act like those savage international independent movie critics, and competing to bring out the freshly released internet humours to joke about, were the sort of routine existing naturally between us two. Our language of friendship was simply not applicable to anyone else. It was insane how effortless two beings became connected as if we were a pair of attracted opposite magnetic force. This guy has flourished into the most genuine best friend I could ever ask for.

***

Year: 2011–2014

Entering high school era, my family moved out from the area and built the next chapter of life in another region of the planet. Separate high school lives gradually led to our decreasing frequency of communication. We skyped once in a while to exchange stories and break down the distance. Yet as time flew by, we winded up getting lost in the rhythm. He was busy engaging memories with his girlfriend throughout his fascinating juvenile life and I was too absorbed by the festivities of my own dramatic version of teenage romance that we barely stayed in touch.

Despite the lack of communication, our friendship still endured and somehow remained solid. We perpetually ran into each other every time we stepped upon these pebbles of trouble, or simply when moments of boredom came striking. He told me every detail of how his four year relationship suddenly came sinking and that nothing could ever pull it up to the surface. I carried out every method to lighten up his misery by being an extremely loyal listener and serving countless suggestions on how to get over a breakup.

During my darkest days, particularly after I got dumped horrendously by my three year ex, he always managed to answer every midnight call and just patiently listened to the unstoppable crying. He never hung up unless he could confirm that I have already fallen asleep. Aside from developing a skill nearly as phenomenal as a professional footballer, this best friend of mine secretly had a talent of music as well. One day, he thoughtfully wrote me a song in order to soothe the pain away. Preventing any tear from dropping after listening to his record was somewhat impossible to achieve, for it was remarkably one of the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

But, no, our relationship did not instantly shift into something more than platonic right after the incident. Realising how precious our friendship was only convinced me even more not to interfere the preexisting status quo. Furthermore, recent circumstances have forced me to be familiar with how romantic relationship was capable to magically dispel every bit of wonder and I was fortunately clever enough not to plummet down the same cliffs (referring into: Tempest.)

***

Year: 2014–2015

Have you ever noticed how sometimes the universe deliberately pulled you apart for temporary period of time, only to forever glue you back? That scenario specifically came to life in our paths.

As college life was swiftly approaching, there was no way for us to escape the fate but to cope with the torturing dilemma over majors and universities selection. I have determined to turn my long lost dream of becoming a physician into reality, which explained the reason why I opted for medical school. Meanwhile, he has settled his choice in engineering major. Life apparently always had a way to bless us with delightful coincidences, as we both happened to get accepted at two universities precisely located in the same town.

And so, our adventure began.

Living far away from home without any family acquaintance or close friends from past life had the influence to make people feel estranged. His presence highly contributed to my survival in the unfamiliar environment as he was the longest soul I have known in the area, and so was I to him. We met up every weekend to loosen up the stress we were facing under each of our circumstances by immersing ourselves with abundance of fun. Little things like studying or doing our different assignments together in coffeeshops, connecting our earphones so that he could simultaneously listen to the Two Doors Cinema Club song I picked out, and closing up the day with movie marathon through his laptop, somehow did help me to get by.

Infinite conversation over a bunch of coffee sipping and culinary tasting led us to this inevitable learning process. Putting out each other’s theory of life on a test and occasionally analysing its value became our new tradition. In addition to inventing our own world of contentment, we were also growing into a more mature and sensible individual with numerous objectives queuing to be strived for.

As our friendship got more intimate, I realised not only that I lacked a complete knowledge about how pristine his heart was, I also just discovered that plenty of part within him were yet to be revealed. After five years of friendship, I barely discerned him as this genuine and passionate gentleman with immense love and care for others. His profuse amount of generosity carried him to be the most selfless person I have ever recognised. I was always made in awe by the way he defined his point of view toward something. His witty character and widely knowledgeable mind was irrefutably the most admirable trait of all. The chunky guy I met in middle school, the exact same guy who has lost forty pounds over the following year, the best friend whom I never felt the shame to expel flatus upfront, was surprisingly the same person as this extremely fair and bright gentleman I recently came to adore dearly.

My thoughts pondered over long contemplation regarding every probability. I struggled to battle against my own denial. Movies with best-friends-turned-lovers theme were not even the setting I favoured. This was completely outrageous. Several attempt to counter the idea was constantly uttered.

“No, I cannot fall for him. He’s your best friend for god sake.”

“Things will get super awkward if such thing ever happened.”

“There’s no way he likes you like that anyway.”

But then, his arms started embracing me every time we part. I could feel his hands holding mine during movies in the cinema. Playing with my hair was even included to the more expanding list of his tiny lovely gestures. Until one night, all boundaries and worries were finally put aside, for his lips suddenly met mine.

Talk to me about how the South Pole penguins never shed a tear,
how Jupiter became the fastest spinning planet on the milky way,
how the Vietnamese dauntlessly dig 75 miles long tunnels to survive,
how John Lennon met Yoko Ono for the first time,
and how life is more than a sequence of trivial echoes over highs and lows.
And that’s how your charm sparks.
That’s how you conquer a heart.

Written on Tuesday, September 12th 2015.

***

Year: 2016–2018

We fell into each other like waterfall. Previous knowledge regarding every detail of each person’s agreeable trait as well as its adverse disposition was indeed a valuable asset to the blooming romance. The accumulated fondness that grew over years of friendship has been thoroughly converted into this bundle of tremendous love and felicity. Awkward barrier normally arising from the newly transformed relationship, did not even permeate to the air because life with him has always been so easy.

Everything between us was impeccable for a while, until I viciously demolished them to the ground.

I was the source of poison, the damaged, the sole excuse why our relationship turned crippled (referring into: ‘Guy Number 7’). My heart has been massively polluted by insecurities and greed that I was oblivious to love and took granted of its purest form. I degraded myself into this contemptible ruthless monster who failed to reflect from her past (see: ‘Tempest’), and ended up doing worse by inflicting such pain upon someone I claimed to be the love of my life. The fact that I stabbed right through his chest and just stood there mercilessly witnessing him bleeding to death as he was screeching for help, only enhanced more abhorrence and disgusts.

He deserved every bit of right to cut the ties and leave. And for a little while, he did. Having to endure such degree of contrition for the rest of my life was a fair punishment for this fatal mistake. I did learn my lesson, but asking him to stay would be too presumptuous to request. Desperation and grief ferociously came crawling over me as I crashed into the lowest abyss I have encountered my entire life.

Nevertheless, the isolation did not last long, for then he returned and graciously gave me another shot.

“I love you too much that as badly as it hurt seeing you go behind my back, not being with you pains me even more,” he explained.

I could see his eyes spoke with hurt, as getting over a traumatised heart was definitely not a piece of cake. He was aware that his decision to stay might put his heart back at risk, but he could not care less. Words of forgiveness escaped out of his tongue, as I cried so hard within his embrace.

Oh, how I did not deserve you…

***

Year: 2018–eternity

The thunder has vanished at last, as ray of sunlight started to peek through between the clouds, and the ship is back at sail again on its voyage. We are now heading towards the horizon wandering out to write more history upon the upcoming chapters of life. The waves are not always going to stay unruffled forever, but we will survive those big tides like we always do. Because best friends stick together, and I’m the luckiest girl alive to have fallen in love with one.

Seven mars were passed through, till I realised the one soul I have been searching for all my life, was you.

— fin