Are You The Quarter-Life Crisis?

I woke up this morning with both eyelids awfully swollen as if they just got stung by a gigantic venomous bee. But no, as much as I ironically hoped for the second statement to be fact, sadly that is not what happened. I simply waved the white flag amid the war life needed to offer, and subsequently it has been bulldozing me to shattered fragments. Life is an adversary now. And perhaps I already lost.

Hence, can I just perish?

#1: On Surviving Vicious Circumstance of Work

I heard and read it numerous times everywhere that your working environment was naturally designed to be like hell. People solely go to work to earn money for their living, therefore no one on earth has ever been genuinely in love with their jobs, well, except for some lucky peculiar bastards out there.

After almost three months barely surviving on the battlefield, I fell upon such impressions that:
1. No matter how splendid you are at your work, or even how nice you are to people, they will judge you nonetheless. You can never please every soul.
2. Everyone will try to discredit everyone. Because it simply makes you feel good to look down and be above someone else though, right?
3. Most of them are fake. You might throw a friendly banter to one another, but you would never know what was truly going on behind your back.
4. Everyone will expect you to fall into failure and no one really wants you to succeed. It’s all plain bullshit.
5. Nobody’s gonna pick up your pieces. If you wanna get up, it is essential that you do it on your own with no helping hands from others.
6. Constantly seeking for validation in others will merely get you nowhere.
7. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

The fact that all seven notions thoroughly mentioned above were inevitable somehow put me in this loophole of depression. But I am adapting to it. I will merge into the system. And fingers crossed, I shall survive.

Who knows, probably years from now, I may have the honour to convince myself that the jungle isn’t so wild after all.

#2: Will I Ever Be a Decent Physician?

Since I was little, my dad always reminded me to complete the task and finish whatever thing I started. Both mom and dad have never forced me into anything, instead they let me choose. However, it was unequivocally necessary for me to act responsibly regarding my own choice, unexceptionally for this utmost life changing decision of mine to dive into medical world. No one told me to do this, except myself.

I did. I drove myself into the abyss.

And drowned.

Nevertheless, that concept my dad has repetitively drummed upon my ear throughout my life was somehow already embedded permanently inside my head. I was not built to be a quitter. I shall carry on and accomplish my own selection of path. I might have drowned and suffocated. Perhaps not at the time being, but eventually I am going to make it into the surface and be able to breathe.

Therefore, despite the goddamn-excessively-exhausting-and-haunting anxiety attack that always lingered on the back of my mind before I went on my shift, not a day should ever pass by without me quietly whispering this specific prayer to God while I was on my way to the hospital.

“Please, please, make me a better version of physician today than I was yesterday.”

Even the slightest improvement regarding technical matter, a minor progress of the way I communicated with patients or fellow coworkers, was enough to create a sense of contentment. Tiny matters shall ultimately bundle up into a significant element, anyway, right?

#3: Me & Financial (In)Stability

Good news: My fiance has been recently accepted to work as an engineer in the world’s biggest and obviously one of the most prestigious international oilfield service company. Yes, you heard it right, he finally got his dream job at Schlumberger!

Seeing how far he has come to visualise his dream into reality was such a wonder. He has been incredibly tenacious toward his aim. He worked profoundly hard that even the universe was rooting for him. My guy never settled for complacency and always strived for more. I’m a proud girlfriend for certain.

And, he’s definitely not the issue here.

I am.

I will soon turn 24 in three months and I’m nowhere near to be financially independent. Ha! What an utter embarrassment. My monthly salary of being an intern physician is far from adequate to make my ends meet. My dad still allowed an extra support to help me pay my rent. And I still occasionally utilised the credit card he provided to simply purchase some groceries. What a complete 180 degrees turnover, compared to my fiance, huh?

There were dark times when my head was clouded with dreary thoughts constantly muttering that I possessed no value to offer. Particularly, after catching up with some old fellas from high school who pursued various career path, working inside one of those sky crappers, conquering the big city.

I am conscious that everyone has their own timeline, but still, where are my two feet standing compared to them? Why am I moving in a very slow place?

In the meantime, I’m just gonna live to get by.

#4: Why I Failed to Keep My Mind Sane

The chaos crumpling inside my head only made things even more troublesome to process. Untangling such unfathomable mess isn’t exactly a piece of cake anyway. I was too immersed by the complexity of it that my sanity started to fade.

The thought of cutting oneself constantly reappeared multiple times throughout the past weeks. I perpetually cried for inexplicable reason. Often times, I sobbed really hard by the corner of my bed, begging for the monster to leave my head. Some other time, I was weeping with no sound, whispering to myself to make the pain end. This tempest of emotion was raging within me and I failed to tame it.

Hence, I bursted. Alone.

The last thing I wish is for people to perceive me like a depressed freak who failed to contain her own burden in life. And so, I spoke to no one about this affair. Besides, everyone must be having their own war to deal with, right? I reckoned that mine was nothing compared to them. After all, it’s been quite some time that I did not talk as much as I used to back in my adolescent years, for somehow I realised there was no point of talking if no one listened.

Yes, that’s the brutal truth right there. Everybody wants to talk, yet no one is actually care to listen nor pay attention.

But, it’s okay though, I am still blessed with love coming from people with genuine soul. Regardless of the fact that none of their presence lives nearby at the moment, they are still the reasons why I’m holding on up to this very day. They’re the mere exceptions. I may not have defeated the monster by now, but at least I have my own reasons to carry on.

And, that should be enough for now.

#5: Bargaining to Bear the Breakdown

It is okay to feel as if the whole sky is collapsing down on you. It is okay not to figure the future, and just enjoy every priceless bit of the present. It is completely okay to be weary and let your body and soul get what they deserve. It is also okay to solely have tiny steps along the way and not criticise yourself for it because they do count as well. It is okay to be fearful of new challenges for no change has ever felt pleasant. It is okay to feel down and doubtful, as long as you don’t dwell too long on it. Most importantly, it is okay not to push yourself too hard, and give it more reward instead.

Because you, too, have limits. And you didn’t lose. You just ran out of breath.

Thus, breathe and thank yourself for surviving each day.